Joke Joke Joke

Teacher: Miguel spell horse!
Miguel: H....O....
Teacher: Bilisan mo
Miguel: H....O....R...
Teacher: Sabing bilisan mo
Miguel: Ya! Tigidig!!!Tigidig!!! Tigidig...

Ilang Tanong

Ano ang hayop na hindi sigurado? - Baka
Ano ang hayop na pinuputol? - Cat
Ano ang hayop na laging ayos? - Ox

Colonial Mentality

Dahil sa nananatiling "Colonial Mentality" ng ating mga kababayan, marami ang nagpapalit ng kanilang mga pangalan matapos silang sumumpa ng kanilang US citizenship. Sa ibaba nito ay mga halimbawa ng mga datihang Pilipino na tuluyan ng itinakwil and kani - kanilang pangalang Pilipino.

Pangalang Pilipino ... Ipinalit sa American Name

1. Restituto Fruto - Tutti Fruti
2. Casimiro Bocaycay - Cashmere Bouquet
3. Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
4. Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
5. Alfonso De Asis - Alzheimer's Disease
6. Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
7. Francisco Portero - Frank Porter
8. Juanito Lakarin - Johnny Walker
9. Esteban Pagtakhan - Stevie Wonder
10. Leon Mangubat - Tiger Woods
11. Burgos Hari - Burger King
12. Ligaya Almundo - Joy To The World
13. Maria Natividad - Mary Christmas
14. Ligaya Anonuevo - Happy New Year

Pasikatan ng Graduates

UP: A number of past Philippine presidents graduated from UP. Presidents Roxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, to name just a few!
ATENEO: Hah! That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became national heroes like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier and many others.
UP: That just goes to show you, UP graduates become presidents and lead countries while Ateneans end up getting shot!
LA SALLE: Wala 'yan. Talo kayo sa mga gradweyt namin!
UP & ATENEO: Bakit sino ba ang mga graduates ninyo?
LA SALLE: Aba! Marami kaming sikat na gradweyts; si Gary Valenciano, Dingdong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsour del Rosario, Rico Yan . . .

Friends at Hunting

Three friends La Sallite, a UP stude, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.

The first night, the guy from UP comes back to cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"
The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.
So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask? "Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."

Where To Go To College?

If you have a lot of brains and a little money, go to UP.
If you have some brains and some money, go to Ateneo.
If you have no brains and lots of money, go to La Salle.
If you have no money, go to PUP.

Mahirap Ang Lahat

Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Santa Isabel College, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa Adamson University, mahirap umuwi kahit anong oras.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT .
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.

Si Pedro at Cardo after the exam.
Cardo: Perdo, nahirapan ka ba sa questions sa exam?
Pedro: Hindi!
Cardo: Ang galing mo naman!
Pedro: Nahirapan ako sa answers!

Question: Who designed the female human body?
Answer: A Civil Engineer. who else would run a toxic waste pipeline thru a recreational area?!

Our brain is made up of 2 parts, the left and the right part. With our politicians, the problem is that:
The LEFT has nothing RIGHT in it, and the RIGHT has nothing LEFT in it!

Little girl: "Mom, I just found out that the boy next door has a penis like a peanut!"
Mommy: "You mean, it's small?"
Little girl: "No, it's SALTY"

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women. After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting !"

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"

Husband: "Ang iniiyakan ko lang naman eh bakit gumaganti ka ng kadyot habang ginagahasa ka ng tulisan?!"
Wife: "Hay naku, Honey ... SELF DEFENSE lang yung akin!"

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

Woman: "You're a goblin. I caught you and you owe me three wishes!"
Little Man: "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?"
Woman: "I want a huge mansion to live in."
Little Man: "OK, you've got it."
Woman:"My second wish is a Mercedes."
Little Man: "OK, you've got that too."
Woman: "My last wish is a million dollars!"
Little: "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me."
Woman: "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

Little Man: "Tell me, how old are you?"
Woman: "I'm 27."
Little Man: "Fuck me, 27 and you still believe in goblins?"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

BINATA: mis, pede bang manligaw sayo?
DALAGA: at bakit?! may CRV ka ba? BMW? PAJERO? EXPEDITION?
BINATA: tangina!!! bakit?! ano ba yang PEKPEK mo!!!? PARKING LOT?!!!!!

GIRL: ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: aba syempre ah!!! likas papaya ata gamit ko jan!!!
GIRL: ginagamitan mo rin ba ng downy?>
BOY: baket? bango ba?
GIRL: lambot e!!!

GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. if u find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sayo...
BOY: e kung di kita makita?
GIRL: nasa likod lng ako ng piano...

Convict: father...4give me 4 i have sinned...
Pari: sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak.
Convict: father, pinatay ko lahat ng naniniwala sa diyos. kau ba naniniwala sa kanya?
Pari: CNO UN?

Wife: honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra...liit namn dede mo e..
Wife: (taas ang kilay) e baket ikaw nakabrief?!!

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Sa harap ng nursery window:
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive.
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"