Joke Joke Joke

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

G: Bkit mo ko luv?
B: Ang mata mo sing ningning ng bituin!
G: Napanood ko nayan!
B: U cmplete me!
G: Kainis ka talaga!
B: Tayong 2 always kama ang punta!
G: Ay, lav mo ko talaga!

Pops: Kris, try mo itong vibrator ko since wala na kayo ni Joey Marquez!
Kris: Na-try ko na yan dati eh, nasisira ang TEETH ko!

Lalake 1: Pare kung matalino ka, ano ang pinagkaiba ng Condon sa Parachute?
Lalake 2: Simpleng simple, ang Parachute ginagamit sa eroplano, samantalang ang condom ginagamit sa babae...
Lalake 1: Mali.Lalake
2: Mali? Ano ba?
Lalake 1: Ang Parachute pag nabutas PATAY ang tao. Pero pag ang Condom nabutas BUHAY ang tao!

Schwartz goes to see his Rabbi. He says, "Rabbi, I think my wife is poisioning me."

The Rabbi says, "I'll tell you what... let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later, the Rabbi calls Schwartz and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours."

Schwartz says, "Do you have any advice?"

The Rabbi says, "Yeah. Take the poison."

An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce.

The solicitor asks, "Does he beat you?"

"No, sorr."

"Does he keep you short of money?"

"No, sorr."

"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"

"No, sorr."

"Is he unfaithful to you?"

"Ah, we've got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child."

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."

The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket--but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy Angus!"

A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.

"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."

"But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."

A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture.

He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.

"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

May isang ama gusto niyang maging lalaki ang kanyang anak dahil bading. Ayaw itong papasukin sa bahay dahil hindi pa rin ito nagiging lalaki. Kaya ang ginawa ng ama ay pinagsalita ang anak na bading ng (matigas ang boses) "Lalaki Ako" ngunit malambot pa rin ang salita nito. Kaya hindi pa rin pinapasok ng ama ang kanyang anak. Kaya pinaulit nitong papagsalitain ang kanyang anak ng "Lalaki Ako". At sinunod nga ng anak ang pinapagawa ng kanyang ama. Kaya sinabi niya (matigas ang boses) "Lalaki Ako". Kaya pinapasok na nito ang kanyang anak. Pagkapasok ng anak ang sabi (malambot ang boses) "Hay Salamat!"

ANAK: mommy tingnan niyo may ahas kay daddy...
MOMMY: oo nga eh,,kaya nga inupuan ko para mamatay...
ANAK: ay mas matapang pa pala sa inyo si yaya, kasi kanina kinain niya yung ahas ni daddy...

Nagpatingin si Pedro sa kanyang doktor dahil sa nararamdaman niyang kakaiba sa katawan. Pagkatapos suriin, kinausap siya ng doktor.
"Huwag kang mag-alala hindi gaanong serious. Sipon lang sa likod," sabi ng doktor.
Nahiya pa si Pedro nang magwika."Dok, puwede ba, pakipunas na lang po?"

Tanong: Anong nagagawa sa gabi na hindi nagagawa sa umaga?!
Sagot: Ang mag puyat!!!.......

First day of classes sa isang block sa Ateneo de Manila University...
PROFESSOR: Class, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Professor Justin Krepyas, and I am your professor in English. Don't forget the R!

May natutulog na isang studyante sa likod. Tinawag ni Mr. Krepyas...
PROFESSOR: Hey you, what's my name, if you were listening?
STUDENT: Sir, Mr. Pruke!

TEACHER:Y Did u bring d cat 2 skul?
PUPIL:awa po ako, kc i heard ate's BF while insyd d bedrum say, "He!He!He!I will eat ur pussy!!!

Isang babae ang kamamatay lang at ang kaluluwa niya ay napunta sa impyerno. Nang nasa impyerno na siya ay napansin niya na lahat ng lalaki sa impyerno ay malalaki ang mga katawan, mga macho. Ngunit napansin niya na lahat sila ay maliliit ang titi, kaya nagtanong siya kay Satanas.
Babae: Satanas, bakit puro kayo macho ang mga lalakidito pero ang liliit naman ng titi.
Satanas: Ulol!!.. Kung malalaki ang titi ng mga iyan ehdi para ka na ring nasa heaven.

Isang hapon dumating ang anak sa bahay nila, nakita nya ang nanay nya at nagsumbong ito dito dahil nilo2ko daw sya ng mga kaklase nya.....
anak: nay niloloko po ako ng mga kaklase ko, malaki daw po ang bibig ko...
nanay: anak wag kang maniwala sa kanila...ang ganda ganda mo nga eh!
anak: talaga nay?
nanay: oo naman
(napangiti ang anak)
nanay: o cge anak kumain ka na....kunin mo na yung pala...

If Adam and Eve were Chinese they would not have committed the original sin. They would have eaten the snake and sold the apple.

A guy just bought a new computer and trying to set up his password on his new computer.
Computer: Enter your password.
Guy: (Typed in his password) "Penis"
Computer: (Automatic response) Sorry, your password is not long enough.

A couselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"
And God said, "A minute."
Then the man asked, "Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
And God said, "A penny."
The man asked, "God... can I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure... in a minute."

One day a police officer observed a lady speeding down the highway. He pulled her over and asked her why she had to be traveling so fast. She replied that she was just following the directions on her license.

The officer asked her to show him where on the license it said to speed. She pulled her license out and pointed to the bottom and read out loud, "TEAR ALONG THE DOTTED LINE."

Promoter: Mrs., pag pinaghalo ang Breeze at Tide, bubula kaya?
Mrs.: Aba siyempre!
P: Mali. Hindi puwede.
M: Bakit naman?
P: Walang tubig.

May 10 lamok na nakapaligid sa isang baka. Kinagat ng 9 na lamok ang baka.
Ang tanong: Bakit ang 1 lamok ay hindi kumagat?
Ang sagot: Dahil sya'y isang IGLESIA NI CRISTO. Ayaw ng DUGO...

Customer: Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?