Joke Joke Joke

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Q: Bakit bawal sa mga kalbo ang mag-turtle neck?
A: Dahil mamu-mukha silang roll-on.

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet. He struggles to ask again,
"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a ck?

Mishap sa North Diversion road as reported by my kapitbahay:

Kahapon, ang Pajerong minamaneho ng isang lalaki dito sa North Diversion road ay biglang namatayan ng makina sa hindi malamang dahilan. Bumaba ang lalaki at binuksan ang hood upang malaman ang diperensiya ng sasakyan. Wala siyang makita kaya't nagsuspetsa siyang baka naubusan lang ng gasolina ang Pajero. Binuksan niya ang tangke upang silipin kung may gasolina ang sasakyan. Madilim, 'di niya makita. Inilabas ang lighter upang magkaroon ng kaunting liwanag at idinutdot sa tangke ang layter. May gasolina nga kaya? Mayroon nga.

P.S. Bukas po ang libing.

Pilot to tower: Wala na kaming fuel, 400 miles kami from shore. Give your instructions, over!
Tower: Repeat after me. Our Father, who art in heaven...

Kriminal: Father, forgive me for I have sinned
Pari: Sabihin mo lahat ang kasalanan mo anak.
Kriminal: Father, pinapatay ko ang lahat ng naniniwala sa diyos.
Kayo po ba Father naniniwala doon?
Pari: Sino 'yun?

DADO: Ano ang tawag mo sa babaing flat-chested?
ATO: Walandyo
DADO: Don naman sa mga babaing ang dibdib ay katamtaman lamang?
ATO: Medyo.
DADO: Doon naman sa mga babaing ubod ng laki ng dibdib?
ATO: Mountaindyo.

Types of Couples
boy guapo + girl ganda = made in heaven
boy guapo + girl panget = true love
boy panget + girl ganda = galing diskarte
boy panget + girl panget = no choice

May bagong salta sa America na gustong mag-long distance sa Pilipinas.
Pinindot niya ang '0' para sa Operator.
Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in... Enemy, Q as in... Cuba, U as in... Europe, E as in...Important and L as in... Elephant.
Operator: A-che-che!!!

Kuba: Tinukso nila akong kuba. Mag-aaral ako ng karate.
(5 months later)
Friend: Galing mong mag-karate. Tinatawag ka pa rin ba nilang kuba?
Kuba: Hindi na! Ninja Turtle!

Sira-ulo #1: "Kaya mo bang tumawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?"
Sira-ulo #2: "Ayoko nga, ano ako, sira? e paano kung pinatay mo ang ilaw, e di mahulog pa ako. Wa-is ito, hehehe"

Police Chief: "Guards, may nakawalang hoodlum! Bantayan ang mga exits!"
Later...
Guard: "Sir, nakatakas ang hoodlum."
Police Chief: "Paano nangyari iyun?"
Guard: "Sir, sa entrance siya dumaan."

Lalake: Taksil! Baog ako, paano ka nabuntis? Sinong ama? Ang kaibigan kong kadyo? Si Pekto? Kaibigan kong si Ador?
Babae: Puro kaibigan mo! Kaibigan mo! Bakit wala ba akong kaibigan!?

P.U.K.E.
Lahat ng mga babaeng naging kabit ni Erap ay nagka-isa at itinayo ang samahan ito para tulungan siya in his troubled times: PAMBANSANG UGNAYAN ng mga KABIT ni ERAP
(Guess the acronym!)

Teacher: What's the color of my teeth? (Sabay smile)
Pupil: Pink!
Teacher: (Nagtataka) Again, what's the color of my teeth? (smile)
Pupil: Pink!
Teacher: Shit di ko pala suot ang pustiso ko!

Creative Filipino Business names:

MASTERVISION (video rental shop)
PETAL ATTRACTION (flower shop)
INTERNATIONAL FUNERAL HOMES (kailangan kaya ng visa dito?)
LUNAS SIKMURA (a last-resort restaurant)
STD (if it's car parts, hardware, or disease, we're not sure)
Le Cheng Tea House (Was the owner in a bad mood when it was named?)
DETH'S Eatery (eat and you die!)

Morato's ROTC Training.

Officer: Sigaw mo Baril!
Manoling: Baril!
Officer: Sigaw mo Bato!
Manoling: Bato!
Officer: Bala!
Manoling: Bala!
Officer:Galing! Sigaw mo Lalake!
Manoling: Saaannn!!!?!!??

Applying for a job for the first time, isang seksing coed was filling up the application form. Mabilis siyang natapos but mukhang nahirapan siyang sagutin ang isang tanong:

PERSONNEL: Do you need help in filling up the application, Miss?
MISS: Puede ho bang "occasionally" ang ilagay na sagot.
PERSONNEL: Which question, Miss?
MISS: Sex

MR DANILO: "I am your teacher, I am good in three languages."
PIKAW: "What are the subjects you're good at?"
MR DANILO: "Oh, I like Math and English."
PIKAW: "How do you say 'good morning' in Algebra?"

IDOT: "Kumusta na? Long time no see ah!"
BONI: "Kararating ko lang galing sa Africa."
IDOT: "Africa?"
BONI: "Doon kami nadestino."
IDOT: "Hindi ba maraming cannibals doon?"
BONI: "Nakakatakot nga, pero mga edukado na ngayon sila."
IDOT: "Hindi na ba sila kumakain ng tao?"
BONI: "Nangangain pa rin ng tao, pero gumagamit na ng kutsara!"

An Alcoholic Son's Letter To His Dad:
Beer dad,
Gin na ko mag-iinom whisky kelan. Tanduayan mo yan.
Your son,
Miguel. (ayos pare!!)