Joke Joke Joke

A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."

Morris goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my young wife has turned into a real slut. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy, Doc! What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

The garbage man came early today. I heard his truck from inside the house so I threw on my robe and ran outside to catch him. He was pulling away from the neighbors curb when he saw me running waiving my arms.

"Hey! Wait!" I said catching up to him. "Am I too late for the garbage?"

He looked me up and down and said, "No, jump in."

Isang gabi, nagyaya si misis sa kanyang mister na makipagsex.
Misis: Honey sex tayo.
Mister: Ayoko!!!
Misis: Please honey, let's have sex.
Mister: Sinabi ng ayoko eh, bat ba ang kulit-kulit moh?!!
Misis: Bat ba ayaw mo!!?
Mister: May regla ka eh!!!
Misis: Baket, Iglesia Ni Cristo ba TITI moh?

A woman's strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her. "Good, are any of you doctors interested in a date with a nice, single, Jewish girl?"

At the pub, a little blonde guy exchanged words with a big bald guy, and it looked like they were about to go to blows.

"You've got a lot of nerve for such a shrimp!" snarled the big guy.

"Look, you big jerk," barked the little blonde guy, "I'm not scared of anybody, or anything! I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no parachute from a balloon. My grand-father jumped without a 'chute from a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow, I jump from a rocket!"

"You're crazy, you little twerp," said the big guy. "You could be killed!"

"So what?" said the little blonde guy. "I have no family!"

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal, their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."